John Carter Will Stand the Test of Time

"John Carter" may have crashed and burned at the box office precisely as predicted, but the vultures made sure Disney's biggest beast in years went down without much struggle long before it finally opened in theaters. The movie itself, box office bloodbath aside, I found to be startlingly good, a major throwback to the kind of old-fashioned adventure epic Disney (and every other studio) doesn't make anymore. (And they won't be trying again anytime soon.)

The story is sprawling and seriously fantastical, with a central romantic tension fueled by the strong-willed Princess of Mars, Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins, who's destined to give first boners to a whole generation of boys) and the chemistry she sparks with the sexy Earthly soldier who was teleported away from the Civil War and onto Boorsem (that's what these Martians call their home planet) just in time to fight for his new love in her planet's own civil war.

Hey now, it's a sure shot less generic than "Avatar," and much more aesthetically pleasing than James Cameron's blue-skinned Na'vi of Pandora. OK, fine, one of the sides of the Martian civil war are a race of green, bony, not-cute aliens who rise up from enslavement by white humanoid overlords, but whatever, the rest is prettier & much more original.

I never once looked at my watch, and I sure didn't want it to be over once the credits finally rolled. Andrew Stanton, charged with his first live-action directing gig after shepherding "Wall-E" & "Finding Nemo" for Disney/PIXAR, keeps the action rocketing along, fast and fierce, like an asteroid belt hurdling toward an inevitable clash of intergalactic titans. Yeah, I know plenty of haters who though "John Carter" was every bit the bombastic train wreck its reputation declared, or at least one or two. But I'd love to watch the movie again, and again, and again, because that's the kind of movie "John Carter" is; frankly, a probable classic. And I'll never tire of seeing Tim Riggins nearly naked and jumping all over the place with that body akimbo, so.

Meanwhile, while poor Tim Riggins Taylor Kitsch distracted his last bomb with the year's latest big-budget belly flop, Universal's "Battleship," the anomalous spectacle that is "John Carter" has now landed on DVD/BluRay, and a platform that allows for repeat viewings is precisely where it belongs. History will prove me right; of that I am sure. Until history runs its course, I'll watch "John Carter" on a frequent enough basis to justify buying the damn thing, and will make sure when I have kids that this one's in regular rotation from the get-go.